I am absolutely sick of this pain. Whatever it is, I'm done with it.
Don't know if its just Fibromyalgia or if there are other issues with my stomach, but its ridiculous. I can't ever pick up the room. I feel overwhelmed and frustrated at the pain and my almost 3 yr old that is at times ... satans child. She's sweet as pie, does something wrong ... gets something taken away ... or slapped on wrist for doing wrong like kicking or hitting me in a nonplayful matter ...... she screams bloody murder. Like the exorsist. Sometimes I just have to sit there in shock and awe at the sounds that come out of her.
She was the perfect newborn and infant. Then just over a year ago, when she started playing with her cousins and other kids more .... she's szitzo *can't spell*
I know I am not on my feel all day, that I get to sit around and do what people think is nothing. But with Fibromyalgia this is the hardest job I've ever had. The absolute hardest thing I've ever had to conquer.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
day after legs @ gym/ first night on breathing machine
It is 12:54pm and I'm still exhausted.
I wonder if the machine helped Bob last night.
I felt him take it off, right before Madi kicked the baby gate onto herself. I could already tell I was in too much pain to get up.
Pain from working out. Damn leg days. And everyday pain. Oh, I also put her to bed. Which I do often, but not usually from that side of the bed. Being up against the wall, and lifting 30 pounds of dead weight from the head of the bed to the foot and trying to stand at the same time isn't easy at all.
I hope he's more awake than I am when he gets home because the pain is intense. I now understand why betty said her ass hurt last Tuesday. Fridays leg day wasn't that bad. I was sore Saturday but it faded fairly quickly. Maybe because we went to the sauna Saturday. That hot ass sauna helped my back more than I thought it would. No wonder why Stacy would go in it during the winter. I thought she was nuts for that.
I'm not sure why I'm so exhausted, I took a lil nap yesterday before the gym. I was all pumped since Monday morning about the gym until about 2pm. Then I just wanted to stab myself w/ a knife on the other side of my back so I felt equal pain. Plus betty irritated me a lil. Worried that the machine that will help get Robert better, make sure he doesn't die in his sleep .... is an energy sucker. On one hand I guess I can slightly understand. But then again she said that about our tv and fan. She's lucky we don't have that damned fridge plugged in since we have no room for our stuff. She has two shelves in main area, two in door and 3 drawers. We have one shelf and 1 1/2 shelves in door. At least the frezzer storage is only off by inches. But I mean come on. A family of three gets less room when you say you need so much less room and food for you two.
Okay enough bitching. At least we have a roof over our heads and food to eat. Not enough food and not a lot of privacy and Jason is coming for two fucking weeks :( 1:11p. But it will do for now!
I wonder if the machine helped Bob last night.
I felt him take it off, right before Madi kicked the baby gate onto herself. I could already tell I was in too much pain to get up.
Pain from working out. Damn leg days. And everyday pain. Oh, I also put her to bed. Which I do often, but not usually from that side of the bed. Being up against the wall, and lifting 30 pounds of dead weight from the head of the bed to the foot and trying to stand at the same time isn't easy at all.
I hope he's more awake than I am when he gets home because the pain is intense. I now understand why betty said her ass hurt last Tuesday. Fridays leg day wasn't that bad. I was sore Saturday but it faded fairly quickly. Maybe because we went to the sauna Saturday. That hot ass sauna helped my back more than I thought it would. No wonder why Stacy would go in it during the winter. I thought she was nuts for that.
I'm not sure why I'm so exhausted, I took a lil nap yesterday before the gym. I was all pumped since Monday morning about the gym until about 2pm. Then I just wanted to stab myself w/ a knife on the other side of my back so I felt equal pain. Plus betty irritated me a lil. Worried that the machine that will help get Robert better, make sure he doesn't die in his sleep .... is an energy sucker. On one hand I guess I can slightly understand. But then again she said that about our tv and fan. She's lucky we don't have that damned fridge plugged in since we have no room for our stuff. She has two shelves in main area, two in door and 3 drawers. We have one shelf and 1 1/2 shelves in door. At least the frezzer storage is only off by inches. But I mean come on. A family of three gets less room when you say you need so much less room and food for you two.
Okay enough bitching. At least we have a roof over our heads and food to eat. Not enough food and not a lot of privacy and Jason is coming for two fucking weeks :( 1:11p. But it will do for now!
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
i hate not being able to fall asleep
I took a damn flexeril and am still awake. Every damn one else is asleep but NO I'M WIdE AWAKE.
Bob is doing his first night on the breathing apperatise (can't spell-don't care) and its loud but could be worse. And I'm so exhausted I'm too tired to sleep, plus my teeth and gums are hurting and I didn't eat enough dinner. I'll see how I sleep once I get up ... but that seems like so long ago. Probably doesn't help my foot skin problem is flared up and I gave him my sode of the bed for the night.
And I'm scared to go to sleep since it was leg day at the gym ... once my body relaxes ... all hell will break lose and my soreness will kick into full effect.
Okay, off to bed til later. Hopefully I can get 4 hours. ... which means I have to be asleep in 18 minutes. I'M OUT
Bob is doing his first night on the breathing apperatise (can't spell-don't care) and its loud but could be worse. And I'm so exhausted I'm too tired to sleep, plus my teeth and gums are hurting and I didn't eat enough dinner. I'll see how I sleep once I get up ... but that seems like so long ago. Probably doesn't help my foot skin problem is flared up and I gave him my sode of the bed for the night.
And I'm scared to go to sleep since it was leg day at the gym ... once my body relaxes ... all hell will break lose and my soreness will kick into full effect.
Okay, off to bed til later. Hopefully I can get 4 hours. ... which means I have to be asleep in 18 minutes. I'M OUT
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Short and simple
To keep it short and simple ... I'm depressed!
Don't know why .... but I'm depressed!
I want to do nothing more than sleep and eat.
We're watching Omen ... Nemo! And at least she's cuddly. Well, was!
Gonna put the gate up and lay the fuck down, don't want to be coherant today
Don't know why .... but I'm depressed!
I want to do nothing more than sleep and eat.
We're watching Omen ... Nemo! And at least she's cuddly. Well, was!
Gonna put the gate up and lay the fuck down, don't want to be coherant today
Monday, May 11, 2009
Mother's Day
I had a decent Mothers Day, minus Bob not being home until 4:30ish. But at least it was then and not 8:30.
Brooke was very excited to make my breakfast. As soon as she heard us in the bathroom she bolted up the stairs and asked if she could make my breakfast. Then bolted back down.
When she took my order I thought she was playing waitress so I asked for French Toast and Bacon. But when she said she was seriously making it I asked for Raisin Bran Crunch Toast 2 Sausages and 1/2 glass of milk. Only complaint is that she put the milk in the bowl well before she called me and I came down and the toast was cold. But for something that came from the heart ... it was a great breakfast.
And Bob didn't have money on him so he used his Menards gift card and got me a gardening knee mat and watering can. Two things I needed but didn't spend the money on. Which in many ways was thoughtful. He used his card that he usually uses on himself for snacks. He knows how into gardening I've become. And he knows I have a bad knee/body.
Then we went to Samanthas had sloppy joes ... kinda pissed jarred was there! He was 3 minutes away and didn't even call. I am done going to Ottawa.
Then Franks dog .... bleeding from its eye socket. Someone tried to kill it and it wasn't another dog or a 12 yr old. I tried giving the benefit of the doubt and say it might have gotten hit by a car. But Sam thinks Will or her mom. And that dog needs to leave with those kids in the house.
Ok, this is pissing me off. Madis underwear have holdes in them. HOW!!!! They are either in the drawers or laundry baskets so how is it happening?
I'm out for now
D.D.
Brooke was very excited to make my breakfast. As soon as she heard us in the bathroom she bolted up the stairs and asked if she could make my breakfast. Then bolted back down.
When she took my order I thought she was playing waitress so I asked for French Toast and Bacon. But when she said she was seriously making it I asked for Raisin Bran Crunch Toast 2 Sausages and 1/2 glass of milk. Only complaint is that she put the milk in the bowl well before she called me and I came down and the toast was cold. But for something that came from the heart ... it was a great breakfast.
And Bob didn't have money on him so he used his Menards gift card and got me a gardening knee mat and watering can. Two things I needed but didn't spend the money on. Which in many ways was thoughtful. He used his card that he usually uses on himself for snacks. He knows how into gardening I've become. And he knows I have a bad knee/body.
Then we went to Samanthas had sloppy joes ... kinda pissed jarred was there! He was 3 minutes away and didn't even call. I am done going to Ottawa.
Then Franks dog .... bleeding from its eye socket. Someone tried to kill it and it wasn't another dog or a 12 yr old. I tried giving the benefit of the doubt and say it might have gotten hit by a car. But Sam thinks Will or her mom. And that dog needs to leave with those kids in the house.
Ok, this is pissing me off. Madis underwear have holdes in them. HOW!!!! They are either in the drawers or laundry baskets so how is it happening?
I'm out for now
D.D.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
blaaaaah
HAPPY MOTHERS DAY TO ALL
Bob was the first to say it :) And my daddy just called me. And Brooke offered to make me breakfast in bed ... the offer alone is awesome. She's gonna wait until Madisyn is awake and they are going to 6 Flags so they may not have time to wait since she fell asleep around midnight or later.
And I don't want to be up right now so I'm not letting her know I'm awake cuz she'll beg me to wake Madi up.
Damn, I can't even write right now. This sinus infection, cold ... or whatever it is is killing me.
BBL
D.D.
Bob was the first to say it :) And my daddy just called me. And Brooke offered to make me breakfast in bed ... the offer alone is awesome. She's gonna wait until Madisyn is awake and they are going to 6 Flags so they may not have time to wait since she fell asleep around midnight or later.
And I don't want to be up right now so I'm not letting her know I'm awake cuz she'll beg me to wake Madi up.
Damn, I can't even write right now. This sinus infection, cold ... or whatever it is is killing me.
BBL
D.D.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
OMG
My daughter could have been critically injured last night.
So I come upstairs @ about 7:15p because the girls are making way too much noise for my show. And at around 7:20/25 they come up here to show me tricks and for Brooke to pretty much bring the noise upstairs.
She asks if she can take Madi back downstairs, not 5 seconds later I hear thumping down the stairs. I'm afraid to look around the corner because Madi doesn't make a sound until the hit the bottom. I knew the cry meant she was alive!
And for some reason I'm about the only one freaked out!
Brooke, I think, instinctively protected my baby on their way down the 13 steps. Her knees and shoulder blade are brusied and all Madi really had was a scratched area on her back, her shoulder and maybe another lil spot were red and a bump on head appeared before bedtime.
Could have been a lot worse but the fact that it happened freaks me. I could have lost my baby last night. Brooke could have fell ontop of her. She could have snapped her neck. Broken her back. Many things could have happened. To this day, that's the biggest accident she's been involved in, ok close tie with her picking up my mothers scolding hot curling iron, and I can't handle anything worse.
I'm not assuming every other mother can. But the thought alone of her falling and doing the worst she can or running into the street, or getting into a car accident makes me sick to my stomach everytime its thought of. And that's everyday! At least once!
I kove Robert and Madisyn to death ... I cannot bare to lose them.
Seriously ....... put me in a mental institution for life if I ever lose either one. That is a serious comment!
D.D.
So I come upstairs @ about 7:15p because the girls are making way too much noise for my show. And at around 7:20/25 they come up here to show me tricks and for Brooke to pretty much bring the noise upstairs.
She asks if she can take Madi back downstairs, not 5 seconds later I hear thumping down the stairs. I'm afraid to look around the corner because Madi doesn't make a sound until the hit the bottom. I knew the cry meant she was alive!
And for some reason I'm about the only one freaked out!
Brooke, I think, instinctively protected my baby on their way down the 13 steps. Her knees and shoulder blade are brusied and all Madi really had was a scratched area on her back, her shoulder and maybe another lil spot were red and a bump on head appeared before bedtime.
Could have been a lot worse but the fact that it happened freaks me. I could have lost my baby last night. Brooke could have fell ontop of her. She could have snapped her neck. Broken her back. Many things could have happened. To this day, that's the biggest accident she's been involved in, ok close tie with her picking up my mothers scolding hot curling iron, and I can't handle anything worse.
I'm not assuming every other mother can. But the thought alone of her falling and doing the worst she can or running into the street, or getting into a car accident makes me sick to my stomach everytime its thought of. And that's everyday! At least once!
I kove Robert and Madisyn to death ... I cannot bare to lose them.
Seriously ....... put me in a mental institution for life if I ever lose either one. That is a serious comment!
D.D.
Friday, May 8, 2009
damn
Damn I'm tired.
I have a wic appointment today and since it takes forever to reschedule I had to drive him to work today. It is 5:40am and I am sitting outside the lumber yard waiting for him to open, deal with this truck and take his lunch and stuff so I can go back home ... hopefully for another 3 hrs of sleep.
J and M are going toa twiztid concert tonight. They fuckin suck for not saying anything. But we love them anyways. I would gladly go but I'll save my anger for if the go to tech without telling us. Maybe it was a mothers day gift. Still sux since the new cd kick ass!
Okay, why do I have this damn headache. I guess from sleeping with window open since I'm all stuffy and scratchy.
Hello Mr. Truck Driver .... gates are open. Let's get this show on the road.
OMG I want to be in bed right now.
I already wasted gas last night by having to go back to Woodmans. Now I hace to drive to R.L. at 930 then back here by either 130 or 4! Prob 4! If its 4, then I'll have to go home which is fine ... will give me time to relax. If its 130 then I'll have to find something to do depending on when I get out of wic
Okay, I'm going to attempt to give him his lunch and stuff
D.
I have a wic appointment today and since it takes forever to reschedule I had to drive him to work today. It is 5:40am and I am sitting outside the lumber yard waiting for him to open, deal with this truck and take his lunch and stuff so I can go back home ... hopefully for another 3 hrs of sleep.
J and M are going toa twiztid concert tonight. They fuckin suck for not saying anything. But we love them anyways. I would gladly go but I'll save my anger for if the go to tech without telling us. Maybe it was a mothers day gift. Still sux since the new cd kick ass!
Okay, why do I have this damn headache. I guess from sleeping with window open since I'm all stuffy and scratchy.
Hello Mr. Truck Driver .... gates are open. Let's get this show on the road.
OMG I want to be in bed right now.
I already wasted gas last night by having to go back to Woodmans. Now I hace to drive to R.L. at 930 then back here by either 130 or 4! Prob 4! If its 4, then I'll have to go home which is fine ... will give me time to relax. If its 130 then I'll have to find something to do depending on when I get out of wic
Okay, I'm going to attempt to give him his lunch and stuff
D.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Me.
I am so tired right now its not even funny. And my day hasn't even started yet. Duaghter is still asleep, its 9:06 and I'm exhausted for no apparent reason other than the damn word Fibromyalgia.
I was diagnosed with F.M. last year and fear that if someone doesn't do something now ... I'll be in a wheelchair within the next 10 years.
At least I am in physical therapy for my knee and she (as opposed to her co-worker the week b4) could tell the hip pain is what is causing me to walk funky and cause the knee pain. The only thing she didn't say that was helpful that they guy did, was that I could do pool therapy through them. She was telling me to go to gyms that cost.
When I walk out of P.T. I feel rejuvenated ... then I come home to the craziness and everything is back to 'normal'.
Fibromyalgia isn't something I would wish on my enemy. It is to put it lightly, a pain disorder. Think of stubbing your toe ... it feels 10 times worse when F.M. is in a flair up. There's weight gain which causes more issues. Emotional issuses. Pain 24/7 ... some constant or when one pain ends a different begins. For example ... my back is a constant pain. The majority of the time that was what was hurting the most. Then we moved into the house with two flights of steps and my knee that had occasional pain, now hurts like a biotch. I have Chronmalcia (can't spell) ... otherwise known as Runners knee. The cartialage in my knee is depleating and may one day need knee replacement. Now keep in mind I am only 29.
And I know I need to lose weight. I'm working on that. In High School I learned diets don't work for me AT ALL!!! I need to turn it into muscle. That's how I lost the weight then, 50 pounds in one semester. I want to lose @ least 50 lbs by September. But since the only gym setting I can do is pyhsical therapy. Once I rebuild the muscle that is missing in my knee area, then eventually I can. I have almost 1/2 an inch difference in muscle between my knees. And that could have been like that my entire life... who knows.
I have already cut my meals down. And barely drink caffeine anymore. Had my first Coke in two or more weeks, man was I gassy! And anyone that knows me, know I love my Coke. Would drink them day and night. That was my water juice and millk.
Now I'm getting a headache again, my man is going back to sleep and making me sleepy since. They are both snoring.
Better relax while I have the moments chance.
D.D.
I was diagnosed with F.M. last year and fear that if someone doesn't do something now ... I'll be in a wheelchair within the next 10 years.
At least I am in physical therapy for my knee and she (as opposed to her co-worker the week b4) could tell the hip pain is what is causing me to walk funky and cause the knee pain. The only thing she didn't say that was helpful that they guy did, was that I could do pool therapy through them. She was telling me to go to gyms that cost.
When I walk out of P.T. I feel rejuvenated ... then I come home to the craziness and everything is back to 'normal'.
Fibromyalgia isn't something I would wish on my enemy. It is to put it lightly, a pain disorder. Think of stubbing your toe ... it feels 10 times worse when F.M. is in a flair up. There's weight gain which causes more issues. Emotional issuses. Pain 24/7 ... some constant or when one pain ends a different begins. For example ... my back is a constant pain. The majority of the time that was what was hurting the most. Then we moved into the house with two flights of steps and my knee that had occasional pain, now hurts like a biotch. I have Chronmalcia (can't spell) ... otherwise known as Runners knee. The cartialage in my knee is depleating and may one day need knee replacement. Now keep in mind I am only 29.
And I know I need to lose weight. I'm working on that. In High School I learned diets don't work for me AT ALL!!! I need to turn it into muscle. That's how I lost the weight then, 50 pounds in one semester. I want to lose @ least 50 lbs by September. But since the only gym setting I can do is pyhsical therapy. Once I rebuild the muscle that is missing in my knee area, then eventually I can. I have almost 1/2 an inch difference in muscle between my knees. And that could have been like that my entire life... who knows.
I have already cut my meals down. And barely drink caffeine anymore. Had my first Coke in two or more weeks, man was I gassy! And anyone that knows me, know I love my Coke. Would drink them day and night. That was my water juice and millk.
Now I'm getting a headache again, my man is going back to sleep and making me sleepy since. They are both snoring.
Better relax while I have the moments chance.
D.D.
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